NEVER EVER

poker face

My true form begins to dim little by little.
From inside the surging crowd I push aside, as long as I can't get answers I've been searching.
The better I become at telling lies and excuses, the more I feel afraid in the emptiness.

When Meteor hits and the Lifestream surges upwards to greet it, Tifa is filled with a sudden rush of emotion. It's all over; Shinra has been toppled, Sephiroth destroyed, and now Meteor is being consumed by the Planet itself. As she watches the spectacle from the deck of Cid's Highwind, she thinks about how far she has come. To think that all this started from a young girl's need for revenge after she lost everything; look at how much she's gained, how much she's lost.

For the first time, Tifa Lockheart has time to mourn, and the weight it unbearable.

She knows she shouldn't feel this way. She knows that if it were someone else experiencing these feelings of regret and loneliness, she would urge them forward. She would take their hands and tell them to be strong. However, now that it is she who is suffering, she's not sure she can be strong.

It's always so simple I could cry, but I want to smile.
If I become stronger I'll forget even your kindness, so I want to stay weak.
I want your love.

Sector 7 was destroyed and countless civilians lost their lives because of her participation in AVALANCHE. Her dear friend Aeris was struck down while praying to save them all. It all comes to a head when the group visits Aeris' final resting place; Cloud rests a hand on her shoulder in silent comfort and she finds herself breaking down. The dam bursts; Tifa can no longer hold back the grief and stress that has built up over the last few months.

As she mourns her fallen friend and Cloud's secure grip remains on her shoulder, she decides that she will leave it up to him for now. She'll just have to trust that he'll be there to catch her this time while they both pull their lives together.

She knows she should be stronger than this -- Cloud assures her that she is -- but she can't help but to feel helpless in the wake of all that has happened. No matter the nature of her involvement in the exhausting chain of events, she is guilty by association. This is something she just cannot come to terms with no matter how hard she tries. Tifa has always made a habit of trying to cover too much; she wants to mother her companions, she wants to be the one to help them through each and every hardship. She wants to feel loved in return. As the chaos subsides, it becomes clear that she has not been able to shield everyone from the pain Jenova and her twisted disciple wrought. If she cannot protect these people from their own emotions, then what good is she doing?

AVALANCHE soon goes its separate ways, and Tifa returns to Barret and Marlene, this time with Cloud in tow. As they drift from town to town before finally settling in Edge, Tifa decides that the only way to survive these trying times -- to face and bury her past sins -- is to surround herself with the people she loves. She is a woman of tremendous heart and she needs people to fill it--now more than ever. She needs Marlene to dote on and brighten her day. She needs Barret's rock-like strength and constant support. She needs Cloud's enthusiasm and reassurances to get her through the day just as she needs to feel as if she's helping him move forward.

People are always solitary beings.
So I need someone. I want to be supported and I want to be supporting.
Nothing is certain, but in my heart I still believe.

Just when they seem to be getting on the right track -- they have rebuilt the bar, making a steady income and a home -- Barret vocalizes his restlessness. He needs to find himself, he explains, and Cloud immediately understands. Tifa is surprised at first, though she too understands the feelings stirring inside of him -- inside all of them -- and she supports him in his decision as he always supported her.

And with that, he leaves.

Although he calls home often, this is the first time in years Tifa is not sharing her home with Barret, and little Marlene becomes wholly her charge. She regards Marlene as nothing short of a daughter, and Tifa's heart can't help but to swell at the thought. She has already acknowledged her need to be surrounded by these people, but now it's just Cloud and Marlene -- her daughter -- at her side. They certainly look like a family, does this make them one?

Tifa was raised on such a fairytale ideal; she was a pretty, popular, and perfect girl meant to grow into a pretty, popular, and perfect lady. Such women raised equally lovely families in their rural little town, and she would ultimately do the same. In the present, however, her town has been destroyed, and her own hands have been stained like no lady's has, but certainly sharing quarters with the man she loves and her foster daughter fit into the model lifestyle pounded into the head of every small town girl. Maybe the child isn't theirs, but they love her, and she loves them. Maybe the man doesn't love her back the same way she loves him. Maybe he does. She isn't even certain of his feelings, but after all she's been through and all she's sacrificed, sharing a home with the two is nothing short of heaven.

They are a family. They are her family.

Tifa takes one day off each week as a family holiday with Marlene, though she notices Cloud continues on his own schedule, making delivery runs and refusing her company when she tries to address his sudden change of heart. It is not until she finds a delivery request from Aeris' mother that she begins to suspect painful memories are holding him back, though she still wishes he would talk to her about them instead of trying to withdraw again.

But it's okay, she reasons. This must be what real families are like.

If an important thing is found let's protect it to the end.
If I hit a wall that's too high and get hurt, I should stand up again.
I don't wish for anything else, just that one is enough.
I want your love.

One day Cloud returns with a surprise: a little boy unconscious in his arms. He had found the child -- Denzel -- collapsed in the ruins of Midgar, he explains, and Tifa quickly tends to the boy's injuries. They soon discover that he is a victim of Geostigma and an orphan of the Sector 7 bombings, a revelation that hits Tifa with a rush of guilt as she recalls her involvement. She swears to make it up to Denzel in every way she can; he was brought to her for a reason, she decides. Cloud was always meant to find him so that she may care for him.

Although certainly driven to atone for any past sins, she does not regard Denzel as simply a medium in her desire for forgiveness. She accepts and loves him as a son. He becomes a part of her family.

Similarly, after Denzel is adopted into the family, Cloud begins to review his hours in order to spend more time with Denzel and Marlene. His spirits are notably higher, and Tifa finds him much more willing to share with her. Even if he does not go out of his way to detail the inner struggle he faces, he is slightly more open to speak about it, if only in code (the use of proper nouns is seemingly forbidden). Denzel shows great interest in the exciting life lead by his hero -- much more so than that of the woman who waits on him -- and Tifa is notably hurt by his apparent disregard for the affection she offers. However, speaking with a young customer leads Tifa to deduce that any alleged lack of appreciation is just Denzel being a little boy. He doesn't love her any less, nor is he ungrateful for the kindness she's shown him. He's a boy anxious to learn everything there is to know about the man he idolizes.

It's perfectly normal for a boy to neglect to share with his mother when he spills his heart excitedly for his father. It's what happens in real families, so it's only right that it happens to them.

They're just like a real family.

When Tifa approaches Cloud about the issue and the burden he seemingly carries, he reveals that the place where he had found Denzel was none other than Aeris' church. She had led the boy to him, he explains sheepishly, and Tifa is quick to correct him.

Aeris did not lead Denzel to Cloud; she lead him to both Cloud and Tifa. She had brought the boy to the family they had somehow shaped, knowing they could take care of him.

And then he smiles.

It is with such a smile that Tifa is at peace. For the first time, Cloud acknowledges the notion of their becoming a family. It is clear that they are not just two friends that share a house. They are two close friends that share a home from which they run successful businesses and raise two children. If there was any doubt of their relationship before, it is overshadowed by his smile. They are a family; all of the pieces are falling into place for a happy ending.

When Cloud doesn't return from a job, Tifa thinks nothing of it. When days stretch on, perhaps it's because he needs time to sort things out; he's always been searching for himself. These things happen, given the hectic lives they had lead, and she finds herself repeating her mantra over and over again: they're just like a real family. They are a real family. Everything was fine before he left, and it still is now.

Even if he is gone only for a few days, Tifa finds herself overwhelmed with the emotional burden building over the last few months. She is worried for the future of her family, and -- worst of all -- she is lonely. She has the children to care for and take comfort in, but, as Marlene confesses, even the sickly Denzel does not want to burden her with a request for help. Denzel and Marlene recognize her depression before even she does, a fact that magnifies her guilt tenfold. Children aren't supposed to worry about their parents; that's not how families work. It's her responsibility to care for and protect them, not the other way around.

Although she once held Cloud to a promise to be her knight in shining armor, she was the one that strove to be everyone's emotional crutch. She was the self-decided maternal figure, and now she is struggling to fill that role. Even as she trudges on, refusing to neglect the children she has accepted as her own, there is a crippling feeling of guilt and complete helplessness as she watches Denzel deteriorate and wonders of Cloud's whereabouts, relying solely on hearsay to quell any panic. Even as Marlene offers her love and startlingly wise understanding of Tifa's dilemma, the fact she accepted two years prior becomes all the more painfully clear: she needs to be surrounded by the people she loves to get by. She needs her family, and she needs Cloud by her side to hold it together.

Inspired by Ayumi Hamasaki's "poker face" (A Song For XX); popular unofficial translation courtesy of Divine Ayu.

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NEVER EVER is a fansite designed and maintained by Stacey Anne and is in no way affiliated with Square Enix, Sony, Ayumi Hamasaki or Avex. No infringement is intended with the making of this site; this is just the work of a fan wishing to share her appreciation. All lyrics featured on the site written by Ayumi Hamasaki; translations courtesy of Divine Ayu and Centigrade-J.