• I am...
• Trauma
• Surreal
• Walking Proud

• Unite!
• Still Alone
• Dolls
• End of the World

• poker face
• HOPE or PAIN
• Moments
• CAROLS
• Voyage

• Real Me
• Notes, etc
• Site

HOPE or PAIN

Tifa never stops trying to reach Cloud. In spite of the stress, she still finds herself looking at the phone after the children have gone to sleep, gripping the receiver as each ring reverberates in her ear.

And then the automated messaging service kicks in, and her heart sinks.

Cloud never answers his phone, a fact that kills her. She knows he's getting the messages -- any requests she relays to him are fulfilled -- and she knows he cares enough to listen, so why does he not answer or return her calls? Why doesn't he at least try to assure her that it's all okay, even if they both know it's not?

For all her wonderful practices -- her caring nature and that heart of gold -- Tifa Lockheart has made a nasty habit of lying to herself when the going gets rough. When Cloud first stumbled into Midgar, she had come to accept his fantasy as her own, convincing herself that everything was fine when something was clearly bothering her. Although she fought back with admirable resolve in the end, in the months following Meteor, she found herself reverting back to her less admirable tendency of feigning normalcy in the face of anarchy. Although she is certainly correct in stating that no family is perfect, such a statement should not be her excuse when she has no ready answer.

Even so, Tifa is a level-headed woman who is able to recognize her faults. She knows she is avoiding the problem again, but identifying it hardly makes addressing it any easier. When she agrees to take Marlene to the church to see Cloud and discovers the true reason for his departure -- a development of his own case of Geostigma pushed him over the edge -- she is almost reluctant to see him again. It is not that she loves or worries over him any less, but she doesn't know how to handle him. She knows she doesn't know how to handle him, ultimately making her all the more anxious when the likelihood of actually seeing him increases, sparking a sort of backwards state of denial. After waiting so long to hear from him, it's almost as if she's convincing herself that it will never happen despite being on the verge of a breakthrough (he's not going to come back anyway...). An unconscious effort to keep her hopes from being crushed again?

When Tifa does finally confront Cloud -- when she's sitting so close to him she can reach out and shake him if she feels so inclined -- Tifa takes the first tentative steps towards addressing the gap between. She slowly acknowledges the Geostigma, trying to coax a response from him and to ease both of their troubles out into the open. Then maybe they can face them together--just like a real family would. Despite her gentle pressing, he remains aloof, replying to her questions without answering them. There's no cure for his illness, he says, and she is shocked. What about Denzel? The boy is fighting for his life against the same forces he is; how can he say such a thing after caring for the child for so long?

After a brief pause, Tifa's face falls, and, for a horrible moment, she makes no effort to hide how heartbroken she is. She has completely lost hope. Her children -- the one thing that kept her going through these taxing days -- have been kidnapped, Cloud is as unresponsive as ever -- even as he dies -- and she just doesn't know what to do anymore. It all comes out in a few exasperated and simple words; they are her final admission of defeat and the loss of the dream life she had fought so hard to uphold.

"Is it because we're not a real family?"

Cloud doesn't answer.

The Turks -- who were searching for the missing children -- return with news of Marlene and Denzel's whereabouts, though the circumstances are still grim. Upon learning of this, Tifa watches Cloud stand, preparing to leave and requesting of the Turks -- Reno and Rude -- to watch over Tifa while he speaks with Rufus. He's not asking them to watch her while he races to save her children -- their children -- she realizes in horror. He asks them to watch her while he attempts to pass off his responsibilities again.

Her heart bursts as she lets out a strangled cry to stop. Suddenly everything falls into place. She knows him too well; she knows exactly what's wrong with him -- even if he does not and even if she does not realize it herself -- and it all spills out before she can stop it. Her palms pound the mattress and she gestures wildly, the physical mark of her desperation and the last thing stopping her from screaming.

She knows what's wrong. She knows what's wrong! If he can't admit to it, then damn it, she's going to tell him.

When she finally stops to catch her breath, the room is silent while Cloud avoids her eyes and Reno and Rude fidget uncomfortably. Tifa, still reeling from the dizzying outburst, offers one last, despondent question.

After all they had overcome, after they had fought so hard to do the right thing and move on, would past sins and tragedies still haunt them?

After all was said and done, did they lose to their memories?

Not for the first time, Cloud has no answer.

Inspired by Ayumi Hamasaki's "HOPE or PAIN" (MY STORY); popular unofficial translation courtesy of Divine Ayu. Please see the site notes.